Man, I fuckin hate messy. But I live in a messy city. In a messy world. So like, I gotta deal with it. Right?
Ok so get this. The other day, I’m walking across the street over near the bus station and I’m like taking in all this mess that’s just laying around. I mean shit you never thought you’d see in public. I’m talking fucking condoms, needles, stockings, bloody Kleenex. Plus the usual stuff like one brown fucking shoe, plastic Walmart bags, Coke cans.
Then, and I’m not shitting you here, I see this wallet. This black wallet just sitting there on the ground in the dirt with all this other shit around it so, like, the ordinary guy might not a seen it. But since I’m really looking, I notice it.
So like I’m thinking, shit, what if there’s, like, a hundred and fifty bucks or something in this fucking wallet. Who wouldn’t pocket it. Am I right? So I look around just to make sure, like, the fucking owner of the wallet isn’t walking back in my general direction. And there isn’t anybody around so I reach down.
But then I’m thinking, what the fuck, who knows where this fucking thing has been. I mean maybe it belongs to some fucking scabby junky or some shit like that. So I almost, man, I almost don’t pick the fucking thing up. But then I go for it like it’s really mine and I just dropped it. I mean I really did it up. Shaking my fuckin head acting like I’m all pissed off that my brand new fucking Gucci wallet just landed in the fucking dirt and all.
And then I turn the corner next to some bushes and I open the thing up and there staring at me is this picture of a fine looking chick with blonde hair and baby blue eyes. No shit.
And there’s like I dunno seventy-five bucks in the wallet which I don’t touch. Because now I’m thinking, this is like something from the hand of God or some shit.
And I go through the other stuff in there. And there’s a couple of credit cards, and some business cards from some pet store and a place to buy stockings and shit. And then there’s this picture of this chick again with some dude. Except there’s these pen scratchings all over this dude’s face. And of course I’m thinking this babe is pissed as shit at this fucking dickhead and she could use some loving from a good man right about now.
So I slip the wallet into my coat and head down to have a beer. And man I’m flying. I mean I’m walking about three feet off the fucking ground.
I go over to this place down on Fannin and I sit there at the bar and order a Jack Daniels instead of a beer because I need to loosen up to do some thinking. And I bum a smoke from this fucking German dude at the bar. It’s some kind of foreign brand I’ve never heard of called Glitlich or some shit like that. It tastes pretty good and I order another Jack and take out this chick’s wallet to give it a going over again.
And man let me tell you she is one good looking bitch. I can’t figure out how she fucking lost her fucking wallet right there in the middle of the shit laying around behind the bus station.
I order up another Jackie D and that gets me thinking about the situation surrounding this chick’s losing her wallet. And I start thinking what if she’s some kind of whore or some shit and she was doing some dude in his car. And he comes and tosses her out and in the shuffle she drops her pocketbook or whatever and her wallet falls out.
But then I take another look at her picture and I see that she doesn’t look much like a whore. The bartender gives me another Jack Daniels which goes down real smooth and I’m looking at this picture close. Examining this chick’s features. She’s got pretty blue eyes like I said and this nice blonde hair cut short which I happen to like. And she’s smiling which I also like in a chick and I see that her top teeth anyway are all white and straight which I’ve been meaning to do something about in myself lately but who the fuck has time to go to the fucking dentist.
So I’d pretty much decided she’s not a whore or anything and that actually makes me feel a lot better about the whole thing. And I’m starting to really like this chick. I mean really go for her. I know it sounds candy ass and all that but I’m like practically falling in love with her right there at the bar.
And I look at my fucking empty glass and wonder why the bartender is standing there like some dipshit talking to this waitress. So I holler over to him to bring me the fucking drink I ordered about ten minutes ago and this time make it a double and don’t forget. And the German dude’s looking at me with some dumbshit kraught look on his face like he’s a dipshit too. So I get him to give me a couple of his butts and he, get this, dipshit guy, he just slides the whole fucking pack down the bar to me. No shit. I’m a fucking lucky guy or what?
So I’m looking back at this girl’s beautiful face and feeling like I really owe it to her to bring her back her wallet and shit. Which I’ve got plenty of time to do seeings as her street is only about a half hour walk away and it’s like only one in the afternoon anyway.
So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to walk over there to this chick’s place and knock on her fucking door and when she opens it I’m going to hand her her fucking wallet and I’m just going to say, here you go. I found this. And she’ll like probably be really surprised and shit. And she’ll probably ask me to come in for a drink or something. And I’ll like, this is really funny, I’ll just pretend like I’m not interested and start to back away and I’ll act really prissy and shy and all that.
And I figure she’ll be all sweet and acting so grateful and she’ll insist and everything and I’ll say something like well, it is kinda rainy out here so why not stay for just one quick one. And I’ll go in and I won’t forget to wipe my feet. Yeah, I can just see her being all thankful that I’m such an upstanding guy. And who knows what’ll happen next.
And man I gotta piss all of a sudden.
So I put the wallet in my pocket and check that it’s still there. I down the last of my Jack The Black One and order up another as I walk back to the bathroom. And I swear, if that German fuck face looks at me I’m going whack him. But he just stares at this fucking fat face in the mirror like I’m not even there, which kind of pisses me off, but what the fuck I really gotta piss now.
So I’m standing there taking a leak and I start laughing, no shit, I’m so fucking happy about the whole set of unexpected circumstances that I just starting laughing right there in the john and I’m shaking my dick I’m laughing so hard and I piss right on the front of my dungarees. But what the fuck, who cares. It’ll dry. So I go back to the bar, and the bartender, he’s like mister nice guy now. He’s already got my drink waiting for me, except it’s not the double I ordered so I down it and tell him to bring me the right one and give him a wink and man he knows what I’m talking about, you know what I mean? Like he’s right there with me in all of this shit.
So I sit back down on the stool and take out the wallet and look at the chick’s picture and man she’s even more beautiful than I remembered she was. And right there and then I decide I’m just going to go for it. I mean who gives a shit anyway? She’s probably really pissed off at her so-called boyfriend and my old lady has been on the rag for like four months anyway. And a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. Am I right?
So where’s my fucking drink?
The bartender is moving like fucking molasses. So I say fuck it, it’s a free country I can get a fucking drink in any fucking bar I want to. So I’m outta here.
And not forgetting to pay, right, I reach in my pocket for some money and there’s like only about seven bucks there. And man I’m really pissed now because I know, I damn well know there was about twenty five bucks in there last night when I got home and I also know perfectly fuckin damn well where the rest of the money went.
But hey, fucking wives are like that am I right?
So what the fuck you going to do? Can’t live with the bitches, can’t live with them. Right brother? Fucking A right.
Well I probably don’t have to tell you what I did. But I knew there was plenty of dough in my other wallet right? I mean the chick probably didn’t even know how much she fucking had she sure as hell won’t miss a couple of tens. So I lay the money on the bar and walk right out the fuckin door.
Man, I don’t look back at those fuck heads.
So I’m heading right for her place and I start thinking wait a minute, what if she knows how much money she had and she counts it right there in front of me and she sees there’s twenty bucks missing. What I’m going to say? I just borrowed it? Or I can act dumb and just say I don’t know anything about it. And just be all friendly and stuff like that and say maybe you don’t remember how much you had anyway.
About that time it starts raining again so I turn in to this Irish place down the street and the music is playing and there’s like twenty five different kinds of beers on tap. So I order up a Johnnie Black just to wet my whistle while I decide on a draft.
And I tell the bartender to bring me a pack of Marlboros too. And I sit at a table by the door since I’m just having a quick one until the rain stops.
Fucking rain. I like it.